Déjà vu all over again

by smithstandard
rain drops

Ah, here I am again.

Anxious as all hell about returning to work and training, approximately six kilos heavier (legit), and with a weird rash under my left arm that mysteriously appeared whilst in Vietnam. I’m contemplating the theory that some weird Vietnamese bug bit me in my sleep and I scratched the absolute shit out of the bite area until I bled, causing said hectic rash. Who knows ¯_(ツ)_/¯ #prayforme

For the record, I had the most incredible holiday.

A part of me was worried I would spend too much time comparing it to last year’s trip and that I would be disappointed. Whilst I was constantly comparing it to our previous holiday, it was still nothing but amazing. Instead of everything being new and exciting, it was re-new and exciting. I constantly said things like: “remember that?”, “oh my god this wasn’t here last year” and “it tastes even better than I remember” (this was one was said a lot).

I’ll be honest and share that my anxiety fluctuated throughout my holiday.

Some days I had so many thoughts in my head I had to either meditate (I know some people think it’s a bit wanky, but it does actually help), write things down or talk things out with Josh. But for the most part – it stayed well away. Whether that’s because I didn’t have to think about work commitments, or catching up with people or double-checking my routine was locked in for the following day, or setting alarms for crazy o’clock or all of the above. It’s like going away for an extended amount of time gives myself permission to let go of everyday problems and allows me to freely access the creative, carefree side of my brain. And it felt so good.

girl in pool

I’ve come back with a million ideas that I’m trying to put into plans for the next few months. I feel optimistic about my goals and am actually getting excited about working on them again. I haven’t felt excited about any of that stuff in a long time. A part of me knows that this holiday-glow will wear off and I’ll likely be sucked straight back into my old habits of talking and talking and talking and then never actually following through. However it’s that thought alone makes me want to succeed, or at least try to succeed, more than ever.

Post-holiday depression is also a legit thing.

I mean, I am Saddy McSad. I was sad to leave Vietnam and Cambodia (cried a couple of times whatevs) and as I mentioned above I am apprehensive about work, training and all the rest of it, but I know it’ll be okay. After spending time with some beautiful Cambodian people who have next to nothing and still manage to smile all the time, it gave me the reset I needed to realise how good I’ve got it, and how I’ve got the ability to take control of the things I want in life.

Cambodian volunteer

I may look a little rounder in the face and belly (no one needs to point this out to me FYI), my fitness may be shot to hell and I am almost certainly walking into a pile of work several stories high tomorrow morning, but it will all still be okay. I’ve got a positive glow right now and even a few extra kilos and persistent anxiety can’t kill this buzz (until next week when I’m bitching about early mornings and not having enough time because I like to whinge).

Han x

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