New year, new me … not really

by smithstandard

It’s that time of year again.

When people start getting all reflective and emosh, spamming you with their “best nine” photos on Instagram and talking about if the past 12 months was a good time or a bad time.

Well, I am also one of those people.

I started writing a list of the things I was happy about, proud of or needed improvement from 2017, but I soon realised it was a list that was probably only interesting to me. I don’t think you guys really care that I spent an extortionate amount of money on beer, fell asleep too many times on tables in public places, had the most amazing holiday of my life or that I fell in love with Joe Rogan. So instead of giving you the mammoth long list, I’ve attempt to summarise the most important things below.

2017 started like all the rest, with me making false promises about being healthy and training six times a week (insert eye-roll emoji here), until it got to maybe the third week in. Setting an unrealistic goal that I wasn’t particularly enthused or motivated about was my first mistake. I came crashing down real hard, real fast. And not just because I had failed to achieve a goal I had set, but about everything. I felt aimless and that once again, I was going into a new year with no fucking idea of the direction I was headed. I still didn’t know what I wanted to ‘be’ and how to be successful in life. I had always thought I’d be someone who would have their shit together at 27, and be making good money and setting up a bright future, and yet I felt so far from that even being a possibility.

Towards the end of January, I shared these feelings with my boyfriend Josh – rather reluctantly I might add. To me, he is someone so self-assured and in control of his life that it can be intimidating. I knew that if I went to him for help, he would make me really assess myself, he’d make me share my goals with him out loud (which always makes me embarrassed and sheepish, even today) and I’d be vulnerable AF. Josh was of course, nothing but supportive, as I bawled my eyes out on his couch, saying I felt like I was wasting my life and didn’t know what to do.

It was on that couch, in that moment, that my attitude and life started to change. Josh in all his kindness, showed me a new way of looking at the world. He showed me that rather on focussing on what I want to ‘be’ in five years, I should be focussing on where I wanted to be. That a positive mindset really does attract a positive life.

Now look, anyone that knows me knows I ain’t into hippy shit. I’m sarcastic and dry most of the time, and I loveeeee to whinge. That hasn’t changed. I also don’t believe it’s ever appropriate to say ‘everything happens for a reason’, just FYI. But considering nothing in my life seemed to be changing, I knew I needed to try something new. Josh sat with me for hours, he gave me books to read and shared his goal-setting tips with me, he checked in to see if I was committing to what I had promised. When I was exhausted from work and complaining like a mofo, he would put me in my place and say, “you’re going to be tired either way, so instead of complaining about it, try to just accept it”. Not complaining about it kept the negativity away and accepting that I will just always be tired on Thursdays, made it easier to get through the day.

As a result of that conversation, and the conversations and actions that followed in the days, weeks and months after, I firmly believe I have changed for the better. I can look back on 2017 and say without question, it’s been one of my best years on the whole. Sure, bad things happened, but so many good things did too. Here’s where my list comes into play:

The good and proud stuff

  • I had the balls to re-launch my blog (and have managed to actually keep adding to it, although not as consistently as I would like).
  • I travelled to Vietnam and Cambodia which was necklevel life-changing.
  • I GOT ANOTHER NEPHEW (my mindset or actions didn’t have anything to do with this obviously, this was just a bonus).
  • I moved in with my boyfriend like a grown-up.
  • I made new friends and have grown closer with my already legendary mates.
  • I’ve gained confidence in talking with new people, am working on my anxiety everyday and feel happier.

Things that need working on

  • Spending too much time being anxious AF and not enough time in the moment (working on that next year).
  • Beer consumption. Damn you know I love it, but I definitely indulged too much this year. My bank account and internal organs could do with a solid break.
  • Attending social events sober/with limited alcohol: my anxiety can peak when attending events. So much so, that I feel the need to smash five beers before I even arrive. My goal for next year is to learn to enjoy things, without the need for alcohol (not all events, obviously).

On a final note …

Thank you to everyone who has ever clicked a link, read a blog, left a comment or like – it means so much to me it’s hard to put into words. Putting myself out in the public domain is terrifying, and yet I get a kick out of it and it makes me want to do it more and more. Next year, I intend to do just that. P.S. you can still sign-up to get my blogs to your inbox here.

2017 has been amazing, even when it was bad. Bring on 2018 and Happy New Year.

Cheers, Hannah x

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