His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

by smithstandard

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Lose Yourself by Eminem is a song about taking opportunities, diving into life’s moments and his personal journey to the top. Somehow it’s also a song that inconveniently comes into my head whilst trying to suppress an anxiety attack, right before I’m about to stand and talk in front of people.

I had to speak in front of colleagues at my job today, and I do not like doing that. Whilst I might have conquered my fear at F45, it is not something I have excelled at elsewhere. Generally my anxiety creeps in, I start to sweat and feel nauseous, I rehearse what I need to say over and over and over, and then I get really fucking hot when it’s my turn to stand up. However today was a bit different …

I haven’t had a great week. Without going into detail, I’ve hit a roadblock in the career area of my life that I wasn’t expecting, and the effect it’s had on me this week has been surprisingly shit. I’ve lost my ambitious drive, my motivation to train, I’ve been emotionally eating and not caring about it, I’ve been a miserable bitch to my family and friends (especially Josh – how he hasn’t left me this week is beyond me) and I’ve lost my usual pep and positivity that I can usually tap into. It’s like my light’s gone out and my attitude about everything absolutely sucks.

Anyway, back to my talk at work today (which was like two minutes – not even). Because my care factor for life in general has been sub-zero, the nerves I would usually feel talking in front of people, were severely diminished. I barely even rehearsed what I was going to say and I didn’t even look at my notes once I was up there. I just said words and it apparently made sense, and then I sat back down. Done.

I HATE getting up and talking in front of people. Absolutely hate it. But today, I just did it and I did it without having an anxiety attack/meltdown. It was a little victory I needed in a gloomy week.

I wasn’t going to write about any of this for many reasons: because I’m probably being over-dramatic, people don’t need to hear my complaining, incessant whining, my negativity … but then I thought I had to share it. Not only is my partner forever-encouraging me to write whatever comes to my head and publish it (because a blog isn’t going to write itself), I also remembered that I’ve been trying to get to a place where I can be un-apologetically myself. Where I can share the good, the bad and the ugly without apologising for it.

If you’re someone who’s having a rough time for any reason, or is dealing with anxiety; if you’re someone who’s fallen off the wagon with nutrition and exercise; who’s slacked off with study or is having a shit week at work – I hope you can relate to this on some level. That life is full of peaks and troughs (my sister’s favourite life advice), that you don’t have to be Instagram-perfect all the time and that everyone is going through their own shit, every day. Even those on social media frolicking in bikinis and loving life – they’re stressed too, don’t worry.

On a final note, I apologise to those in my life who I’ve been an absolute grump to this week (mainly Josh and Erin). I’ve had no inspiring words, no happy stories and no pep. Thank you for putting up with me and giving me hope and encouragement when I’ve just wanted to give up, crawl in bed and sleep for a year. Things will turn back around – they always do.

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